How time flys

So I can't believe how long it has been since I have looked at this. Its amazing that time goes by so quickly and before you know it its been a month. So much has changed and happened in the last 4 weeks that I dont know if I will be able to remember it all. Especially because I am running on little to no sleep which has definately affected my ability to think and remember things. So here's a quick update on Jaxon...he spent one week and one day in the NICU. I dont know what was harder for me, watching my own child trying to thrive or knowing that I might have somehow contributed to his early delivery. It was a struggle and still is. He did really well and his Dr. (Dr. Hadeed) asked us if we were willing to move up to the Pediatric floor. The reason they ask you this is because as parents you have to be willing to stay there and help with the baby. Our situation was one that we were able to move up to the Peds floor. The rooms they have are called stay in rooms where they have a fridge, tv, nice bathroom with shower and a couch that turns into a bed and in another room all the amenities you might need like a washer and dryer table to eat dinner on etc... The floor is brand new to the hospital and we totally fell in love with it. Jaxon spent a total of one week 3 days on the Pediatric floor. Though to me it felt like forever. It was nice to be able to be there with him, but it was hard because he was hooked up a heart, oxygen and resperation monitor. Any time they dropped an alarm would go off in the room and up at the front nurses station. There was one time his heart rate dropped and wasnt coming up fast enough I jumped from the bed just as the nurse came through the door at the same time, at that point it started climbing back up. It was scary, and I hurt myself getting up so quickly. we loved almost all the nurses and had a overall good experience, if you can call it that. FINALLY the doctor gave the okay light that Jaxon could come home which happened on the 6th. There was so much that we had to do and that he had to be able to do on his own before he could come home. We had to take a CPR class which I think all parents should have to take but thats just me, and he had to pass his car seat test. Well he failed, but dont worry they said we could still take him home he would just have to be in a car bed. Which he lays flat in and the seat belt goes all around the thing. Well I hate the stupid thing because the straps going around his neck dont give any give and he will start to turn blue around his lips, nose and chin. Needless to say we dont go anywhere. It kinda sucks but I am a paranoid mom anyway. I honestly didn't think I would be this bad but we sleep with a light on all night. Oh well. He has an appt to see his Pediatrician on the 17th and at that point I will ask about the car bed. Last week he had is appt with WIC, he weighed 4lbs 8oz and was 17in long. If I had to guess I would say he now weighs 4lbs 12oz, we will see. He has changed so much since that first picture we took. He has filled out and is no longer wrinkly. He is still wearing pre-mie clothes and diapers although tonight we put a new born onesie on him, it looks like a dress, lol. We no longer have to set our alarms to make sure he is waking up to eat, he has decided that he wants his own schedule and we should cater to him...which we do. He has us wrapped around his little finger its so not even funny. I think he knows it too. He has learned that after he eats if he wakes up a little bit more he knows mommy will lay down next to him and talk to him till he falls asleep. It all started out okay now when I try to move him to the bassinet he will wake up. Oh well, I love him too much not to comfort him and give him what he wants. Yes I know I am spoiling him and yes I know I might regret it some day but right now I am living in the moment. Ster and I are both totally wrapped up in him. We love him more then we thought possible.

As for me...well I have my good days and my bad. I know most of it is post-partum depression and I am trying to work through the depression because I dont want to take something unless absolutely necessary. My depression stems from several things. 1-I feel jipped out of being pregnant. We tried for so long to get pregnant and it was all we have ever wanted and so we got all these expectations built up and then things started to fall apart. Yes I know I should just be grateful my baby is happy and healthy but I was honestly enjoying my pregnancy and looking forward to that last 10 weeks I didnt get. 2-A lot of the OB and NICU nurses told me that since I has one baby, my first, at 30 weeks the likely hood of having another is extremely high. It has made me wonder how fair is it To have another child and put them through all this? How fair is it going to be to Jaxon when mommy cant be there for him? I am beginning to think maybe one is enough even though I want more I dont honestly think I could put the baby, Jaxon and me through that. The last and final reason I am depressed is our living situation. I have felt very blessed that Jay and Carol have let us into their home and live with them during this time but it is hard to be dealing with your own depression and having people watch you through it. There are days when I dont shower or I dont want to leave the bedroom but I dont want people to judge me for it. I am trying to deal with it. I know my emotions will have ups and downs I just am very grateful that I have Sterling. He has been very supportive and lets me know he is there when I am ready. Our lives have forever changed and my only hope is that while it continues to change my heart and soul accept the change.